Why do we fall in love with a certain person?

There are 8 billion people on the planet, specifically in your city there can be from several hundred thousand to tens of millions. Right around us, taking into account the possibilities of the Internet, there are always at least 30-40 candidates for the role of partner in a relationship. No matter what numbers we give, the fact remains that there is always a choice. But why do we fall in love with a certain person, sometimes completely unsuitable for us, and sometimes extremely problematic?

With normal relationships everything is more or less clear. Two people have the same goals and plans, they have mental health , adequate self-esteem , and a reliable type of attachment. All this compote allows you to build communication without violence and ultimately a stable romantic union arises. But there are other ways and they are much more popular with most people. Let’s list the main ones.

Transference of fantasies

In most cases, the psyche analyzes the objects around it, and then endows them with characteristics. We see a barrel, use a number of mental processes and understand that it is spacious and red. With people, the whole mechanism works exactly the same. Who is kind, who is attractive, who is dangerous or boring becomes clear after a short interaction. It has been scientifically proven that people are sensitive to attractants and repellents from others.

But there are exceptions to the rules. The psyche makes a mistake and, instead of analyzing the object, proceeds from the opposite. It takes as a basis its own fantasies, expectations, stereotypes and desires, and then “glues” them to a random person. With the help of manipulation, he convinced that it corresponded or that it happened completely by accident, you can’t tell. But we begin to see in the satellite something that is not really there. We idealize and fall in love, although in fact there is nothing!

Then people sincerely do not understand how this happened to them. After all, my loved ones warned me and there were many “symptoms”. But my eyes seemed to be covered with a veil, I couldn’t see anything at close range, but I blindly believed in decency, beauty, intelligence, honesty, courage, responsibility. Time passed and it became clear that I had imagined everything, nothing like it was even close!

Roleplaying a Scenario

As children, we all go through some kind of experience. When interacting with a significant adult , we try out different roles and learn to communicate from different positions. Freud also argued that in early childhood a girl tries to build a relationship with her father, and it is this period that will become the foundation of her ability to participate in a romantic union.

For example, girls who grew up without a father in most cases return to this scenario as adults, in order to prevent the trauma from reoccurring, they demand guarantees and are “led” to demonstrative reliability. Such a scheme drives them into the arms of the abuser, as practice shows.

Or a boy who had no experience of safe addiction. To be loved and receive the attention of a significant adult, you had to meet his expectations, adapt, deserve, please. If you behave well, go and give me a hug. If you didn’t do as they said, you’re bad, go into the corner and sit without candy! In the future, he will adapt to the girls and choose only those whom he needs to run after. The one who is catching up always attracts the one who is escaping , this is the law of the universe.

Here is another example – a kind, loving and caring dad who was humiliated, insulted or suppressed by an oppressive mother. The daughter gets the feeling that her mother deprived her of her father’s love, took her away, took her away. In adulthood, the scenario will repeat itself, but now the girl is no longer a child and has all the necessary resources to compete adequately with other women. Her choice will be womanizers and married men. As long as he has a wife, mistresses or contenders, his value is high and the girl, acting out her scenario, will fall in love and love.

Seeking approval

People with rescuer syndrome tend to look for “emergency” partners to help, pull them out of trouble, and carry them on themselves. In their opinion, society should evaluate heroic deeds, praise, recognize, and bestow honor and respect. Anyone would leave a drunkard, but Tatyana doesn’t leave, she works for two, does everything around the house, gets him out of the police department, pays his debts, a real woman!

Anyone would leave his wife after cheating, but Vitaly is not like that. He fights to save his family, raises other people’s children as his own, forgives his beloved all her sins, endures insults and still brings his entire salary into the house! A real man, well done, there are few of them these days.

By chasing something like this, “rescuers” are trying to save their self-esteem. Perform a heroic act so that people notice, praise, and approve. And this model of searching for a soul mate is extremely popular; many people really want to find a problem person in order to earn the respect of society at his expense.

Two of a Kind

Out of everyone around us, we can be attracted to a person who has similar interests and needs. Only in contrast to healthy relationships, here we are talking about destructive desires. It’s like getting into a non-smoking carriage, and then suddenly finding out that in the next compartment the men are smoking like crazy. I immediately want to move in with them.

We fall in love with a certain person not only based on logic, emotional comfort and the presence of common plans for life. Sometimes we just understand that it will be more convenient to satisfy our needs next to him. It’s boring to live with a healthy lifestyle person if you’re a lady who drinks. And date a lover of everything fried and salty, if you are always on a diet. Yes, opposites attract, but the opposite can also happen.

Instead of a total

We don’t enter into relationships by accident, there is always a motive and a reason. A certain person attracted attention because he responded to your psyche, pulled the right strings, and provoked specific reactions. And unfortunately, these are not always suitable people, often even dangerous and unsuitable. But at this stage it was he who was needed. This is exactly what you needed.

If over and over again your partners turn out to be the “wrong” ones, and the relationship itself turns into violence and emotional swings , then you should seriously think about your model of choice. Most likely there is some kind of glitch in it, which by itself will not go away. We’ll have to work it out.

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